Ape, Golfer, or Chimpanzee? A Test.
by
H. Kent Craig
The following is a test to see if you can tell the
physiological, psychological, and cultural differences
between a Great (A)pe, a (G)olfer, or a (C)himpanzee?, good
luck!
1) Bright red asscheeks are clearly visible when bent over
to pick up tees or golf balls. (A)pe, (G)olfer, or
(C)himpanzee?
2) While communication is normally accomplished through
incomprehensible guttural vocalizations after most shots,
can be taught a full vocabulary of American Sign Language
(ASL), but usually just uses the gesticulation that
involves an uprighted middle digit for most attempts to
communicate with humans who make comments about said shots
or to the slow group ahead that won't let them play
through. (A)pe, (G)olfer, or (C)himpanzee?
3) Can also be taught to drive a golf cart, but always
steers with one hand to have the other hand free to
frequently make the above gesture. (A)pe, (G)olfer, or
(C)himpanzee?
4) Hair on back is normally 1/2" to 1" thick, but palms are
worn smooth from excessive highball glass lifting and
paying off of lost bets and
greasing of palms to get a better tee time.(A)pe, (G)olfer,
or (C)himpanzee?
5) Can throw a 1-iron farther than he can hit a golf ball
with it. (A)pe, (G)olfer, or (C)himpanzee?
6) Can throw a caddie farther than he can hit a golf ball
with a 1-iron. (A)pe, (G)olfer, or (C)himpanzee?
7) When in a foursome of other males of the same species on
the golf course, routinely makes loud whooping, hollering
and other animal noises, along with hand gestures of
obscene natures, to attractive female pairings of the same
species when they come into scent purview range. (A)pe,
(G)olfer, or (C)himpanzee?
8) When depressed after shooting a 98, goes off into woods
by self, ingests mood-altering substances, and kills small
defenseless creatures to take out his frustration. (A)pe,
(G)olfer, or (C)himpanzee?
9) Typical mating rituals to pair up with golf-tolerant
females of same species involves giving gifts of forest
flora, sharing of food, mutual grooming, uttering of soft
vocalizations, and attempted demonstrations of prowess over
other males by attempting to hit 330-yard drives. (A)pe,
(G)olfer, or (C)himpanzee?
10) Can be taught to sit at a table in the clubhouse dining
room and use silverware, but can not be taught NOT to
belch, break wind, or scratch his privates in the presence
of others there. (A)pe, (G)olfer, or (C)himpanzee?
Scoring yourself: add up all the letter answers you gave
into letter groupings; if you have five or more matches
between them and similar letters in the serial number of a
$1 bill in your wallet, you've just wasted five minutes of
your life that you'll never get back.
{Back To Humor Page}
{To Personal Page}
{Feedback}