Top 11 Signs That Your Plumber Or HVAC Service Technician Is A UFO Abductee

by
H. Kent Craig



  1. A series of mysterious, tiny red bumps on his right calf spell out "Think you've been abducted? Then call 1-800-G-E-T-A-L-I-F-E" in Braille.
  2. Huffs R-22 refrigerant straight from tank several times a day, claiming that it's actually very close in chemical composition to the atmosphere on his homeplanet.
  3. Stops his truck in the middle of rush hour traffic and dives into the nearest drain culvert every time a silvery, shiny, football-field-length cigar-shaped-craft begins to silently hover a few hundred feet directly above the highway.
  4. You notice that he quits using phrases like "chewin' back'y ", "white lightnin' ", and "Jeff Gordon shaw does have one pretty mouth" and begins expressing concepts such as "Stockholm syndrome", "survivor's guilt", and "heuristic problematic curves of the space-time continuum sure do make for an interesting day".
  5. Whitley Strieber flys him up to upstate New York to do servicework on his cabin there.
  6. He freaks out and runs back to the truck every time you answer the door wearing large, dark-lensed sunglasses.
  7. He calls his boss "the anal-prober".
  8. He calls his weekly timesheet "the anal probe".
  9. Admits that he doesn't like having sex anymore unless it's done on a cold, stainless steel table while being restrained.
  10. Expresses denial about the reality of his experiences of being kidnaped and experimented on by aliens by whining over and over again: "I'm not an abductee, I'm an ab-pipe-ee! "
  11. Refuses to charge for or accept premium time pay for service work done after normal business hours or on weekends, claiming that premium time doesn't exist within the grander vision of the new earth order to come, as presented to him by his otherworldly "guides".


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