For those of you not residing in America, or unfamiliar with American men's major college basketball programs, Bobby Knight was the long-time and somewhat successful coach at Indiana University until he was fired for being an embarassment to the university, who on many occasions has publicly shown his vile, mean-spirited, goonish, boorish temper.

Final Exam: The Bobby Knight School Of Canoeing Etiquette

By
H. Kent Craig

(Parental warning: some profanity to follow)


  1. Your bowman makes a slight misadjustment in setting the line while running a short Class III rapid, resulting in the canoe taking in a cup or so of slosh over the gunwale. The proper response to this is: A) throw a folding camping chair at him while he still has his back turned to you, B) curse at him a blue streak that would make a muleskinner blush, C) wait until you stop at a sandbar for a leg-stretch break, then sucker-punch him, D) complain to the Big Ten Conference Head Of Officials that he missed the line call, and should be barred from canoeing ever again.
  2. Your bowman is on his second canoe trip period, and begins to complain a little when the temperature drops and it begins to rain. The proper course of action to correct his attitude is to: A) hit upside' his head with your paddle while his back is turned to you, B) cold-cock him when you stop for a break and then tie him to a tree for a while, to show him what the cold and rain really feels like, C) make him strip naked at gunpoint while still paddling to more fully embrace his whiny little attitude, D) (sung to the theme of "High Hopes) " ...ohhhpppsss, there goes, ohhhpsss there goes, ohhhpsss, there goes another little whiny cocksucker milquetoast canoeing wannabe..." as his rocks-in-pocket body sinks beneath the surface.
  3. You run across a "Deliverance"-type situation, in which you're faced with imminent forced anal rape and then eventual probable death at gunpoint by a couple of ugly, toothless, smelly, drunk locals who stumble across you taking a piss while taking a break halfway into your trip. Your most probable response would be to: A) get that frilly little apron that you love to wear out from your drybag, and opening up the Coleman cooler, offer them tea and crumpets like the perfect hostess you are, B) offer them free blowjobs for life instead, since you're a natural cocksucker anyway, C) tell them that threats of anal rape and/or death are very impolite, and oh, yeah, by the way, you and what army of drunk yokels?, or D) relax, enjoy it, then offer them jobs as assistant coaches on your team, so your impassioned and loving threesome with your new friends can continue.
  4. While cruising nicely down a river on a pleasant day, paddling softly and easily while enjoying the view, another canoe passes you as the occupants wave friendly waves and smile happy smiles at you and your partner. Your most appropriate response would be to: A) order your bowman to harddraw left and ram them hard, committing the hard foul, just to prove to them that no one messes with your team, B) get their boat registration number and turn them into the NCAA for possible rules infractions, C) wave back at them and offer to share your lunch with them when you find a suitable sandbar further downriver, then pour liquid soap into your cheap beer that you're sharing with them, D) stop in mid-river, hold a momentary prayer vigil with your bowman, and scream at God for the unfairness of it all.
  5. While canoeing a 100-mile, 15-hour canoe marathon, which of the following race tactics would not be ethical or fair: A) pouring a slow-acting chemical solvent on your competitors' plastic hulls pre-race, B) trying to mass hypnotize your competitors by endlessly droning on and on and on about how they really shouldn't bother to compete, because you're the greatest canoe marathon racer of all time period, even though you've only won two races, C) the pre-race night before, drilling tiny little 1/16th" holes in the hulls of your competitors' canoes, D) the pre-race night before, drilling tiny little 1/16th" holes in the skulls of your competitors' heads.
  6. Pick the best definition of canoeing etiquette: A) whatever the hell I say it is, B) whatever the hell I say it is, without getting caught by the NCAA canoeing etiquette subcommittee, C) whatever the hell I say it is, as long as the Indiana U. alumni are willing to put up with my goonish on-and-off-court public river behavior, D) get outta my face, muthafucka, before I slam your reporter-looking face into the bottom of my canoe.
  7. The needs and wants of your bowman come: A) first, B) last, C) wherever I say the hell they come, D) get out outta my canoe and go run me 20 full-court windsprints, now!
  8. My friend and former assistant coach under me, who is considered to be the coach's coach and the gentleman's gentleman among major college basketball coaches and who's my long-time bowman, Mike Krzyzewski of Duke U. in Durham, N.C., proves that: A) the nut sometimes does indeed fall very far from the tree, B) sometimes, there's no accounting of tastes between friends, C) I have blackmail photos on Coach K. which shows him actually kissing his wife in public, D) a good bowman is hard to find.
  9. It's day ten of a twenty-one day canoe trip. Sitting around the campfire as dusk closes in that evening, your bowman turns to you and says "Jesus, Coach Knight, you haven't taken a bath since we've started this trip, you're beginning to smell like a pile of camel dung". Your best canoeing etiquette-driven response should be to: A) thank him for his astute observation about your personal hygiene, and tell him that if he'll wash your privates, you'll do the rest of yourself, B) thank him for his astute observation about your personal hygiene, and tell him that if he's so concerned with your body odor, then he can give you a tongue bath, C) tell him that you've won two national canoe marathon races and he hasn't, so who knows more about when it's time to bathe or not to bathe on a canoe trip, he or you, D) grasp him in a chokehold and shove two small burning billets up his nose, so that his sense of smell won't offend your shedding of deeply personal odoriferants.
  10. Some of your friends ask you to hold a canoeing clinic at a local lake for their small children which range in age from 6 to 12. None have ever been in a canoe before, and most have never been in any kind of boat before. You're requiring them to wear their lifejackets at all times to prevent possible tragedy, but most are still quite scared of the water, of the canoe being tipped over and them hitting the water, of being in a small watercraft they perceive as being unstable. To alleviate their small-child fears, you respond by: A) telling them if they don't stop whining, you'll feed them to the Loch Ness monster's cousin which lives in the lake, B) threatening to take your canoes home if they don't play like you want them to play, throwing a childish temper tantrum yourself C) pounding your chest gorilla-style and yelling "me, big sternman Coach Knight, you, little short runt, you do what I say and quit whining, or me big sternman Coach Knight sell you into virtual white slavery in Thailand making Nike shoes for my starting team", or D) walking down the length of the canoe, then grabbing them by the scruff of their neck and screaming an inch or so from their face " okay, rugrat, when we hit dry land, you'll run fifty full-court windsprints for me, or I'll cut your canoe school scholarship off, pronto!"




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