|
...if the ad says...
|
...then the ad means...
|
|
"salary history required"
|
"we pay less than the going rate locally, and want to see
if you currently work for less than same, too, or to see if
you're trying to lie"
|
|
"must be bondable"
|
"you'll have to bond some of the jobs you work on for us as
a condition of employment, because we're that asset and
cash-poor"
|
|
"benefits available"
|
"at 100% of our cost, plus 15% profit for us, hehehehe"
|
|
"excellent references required"
|
"we're too cheap to pay for a Lexis-Nexis report on you"
|
|
"must be willing to travel"
|
"and willing to put all your expenses on your own credit
card, so we can screw you out of little bits and pieces of
them"
|
|
"per deim paid"
|
"$15.00 per day at our current rates so we can list the
standard IRS-allowable of $95.00 per day on our taxes and
pocket the difference; you'd have to eat and sleep
somewhere if you were at home or there, anyway,
right?"
|
|
"submit resume to Anonymous Box #00000 c/o this newspaper"
|
"the job opening in the ad doesn't actually exist, we're
just trying to catch any current disloyal employees trying
to find a better job, so we can fire their ass"
|
|
"must have own tools"
|
"including a lot of four-figure expensive power tools that
we should furnish you, but don't, because we're too cheap"
|
|
"mileage allowance offered"
|
"$.05 per mile for a less-than-two-year-old vehicle that's
our company color that you also let us paint our company
logo on"
|
|
"two weeks paid vacation after one year"
|
"yeah, like we've ever had anyone except the owner stay on
the payroll that long!"
|
|
"drug test required"
|
"everyone in management is either a cokehead or crackhead
or drunk, and we really don't give a shit if you pass or
not because we need warm bodies in the field, but by going
through the motions it keeps our insurance carrier happy"
|
|
"prefer BS-Engr. degree"
|
"we want someone who doesn't know a damn thing about the
trade who we can hire cheap, and whose credentials look
good on a proposal"
|
|
"advancement opportunities available"
|
"yeah, like you're ever going to advance out of the field,
unless you marry the owner's daughter, or catch him in a
compromising situation in the office with a 12-year-old
boy"
|
|
"clean credit history required"
|
"because our D&B rating is less than zero, you'll have to
buy materials for us to put on your jobs on your own
credit"
|
|
"prefer to hire recent college graduate"
|
"with thirty years of experience"
|
|
"company vehicle provided"
|
"that you'll have to pay for all your own repairs and gas
on, and which will be yanked from you in a second if you
complain about the deal"
|
|
"EOE, M/F/H/V"
|
"we're such totally and completely ruthless sonsofbitches
to work for, that we basically have to hire anything with a
heartbeat that walks in off the street"
|
|
"women & minorities encouraged to apply"
|
"so me and the project managers can have a good laugh at
your expense, making fun of the way you dress and act, when
you actually come to the office to bother wasting your time
filling an application out"
|
|
"drug test required"
|
"if no drugs of any kind show up in your system, then you
won't be hired; look at your first paystub; see that space
for 'prescriptions'?; we sell lids and rocks on the side,
and will be happy to take it out of your check"
|
|
"habla espanol?"
|
"the ad is to find someone to replace the one guy in the
entire company who spoke Spanish and who we had to fire
because he asked for a $.50 an hour raise"
|
|
"retirement plan"
|
"when you're too old and/or crippled-up from injuries to
put in a full day's work for us, then you retire"
|
|
"pay by piecework, or by the hour"
|
"makes no difference to us, we will nickel-and-dime screw
you out of whichever way you want to get paid"
|
|
"must have valid driver's license"
|
"since the owner lost his to multiple DUI's, you'll need to
pick up his kids from school from time to time and his dry
cleaning, too"
|
|
"habla espanol?"
|
"working cheap because you're probably an illegal is our
kind of language!"
|
|
"top pay offered"
|
"when compared with Pakistani peasant or Chinese political
prisoner wages"
|
|
"EOE, M/F/H/V"
|
"we're actually a bunch of hateful, white-trash, racist
pigs, but have to put that nonsense in the ad to show 'good
faith' efforts to be able to keep bidding government
contracts"
|
|
"401K plan available"
|
"you won't be making enough to worry about to actually
contributing to it, and most of the people who read the ad
and apply for the job will be too stupid to know what it is
anyway, but it makes a good sales pitch for those who do"
|
|
"rain days paid"
|
"it could be a frigging hurricane blowing outside, and we
would consider that to be 'a light sprinkle' "
|
|
"submit resume to Anonymous Box #00000 c/o this newspaper"
|
"since everyone in the trade locally knows how much of
sonsofbitches we are, we have to run a blind ad to get any
responses at all"
|
|
"leave message to arrange an interview"
|
"on our answering machine, since we're too cash-flow-poor
and/or too cheap to hire a secretary"
|
|
"dental coverage provided at no cost to the employee"
|
"we always have a trusty, rusty ol' pair of Channellock
pliers handy!"
|
|
"must have good work attitude"
|
"must be a total milquetoast and blatant ass-kisser wiling
to be continually screwed on salary and bonuses and
benefits, or we'll find someone who is"
|
|
"must be a self-starter"
|
"willing to work lots of hours off the clock to try to
impress us; just don't make too many waves about wanting to
seriously change anything, or buy anything on our supply
house accounts over $25.00 without asking first since we're
over 90 days past due with all of them"
|
|
"must not be afraid of hard work"
|
"and not be afraid of working lots of hard-working hours
off the clock to keep your job"
|
|
"incentive package"
|
"whatever loose change you can find in the seat of your
truck that the last guy who drove it lost, you can keep"
|
|
"safety incentives"
|
"if you don't get hurt on the job, then you can keep
your job, and we won't fire you for screwing our insurance
up"
|
|
"assured 40-hour workweek"
|
"with assured pay for at least 35 of those"
|
|
"serious applicants only need apply"
|
"desperate applicants only whom we feel we immediately have
a negotiating advantage over on salary and benefits with
need apply"
|
|
"profit sharing plan"
|
"at the end of the year, all profits are shared equally
between the owner, his wife, their kids, and his favorite
lovesheep"
|