Celeste Lenzi's Favorite Jokes



Kent, here are some of my favorite jokes...with kind regards, Celeste


A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, is talking to a young man

Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that wall?  Look how well it's built.  I built that wall stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months.  But do they call me McGreggor-the-Wall-Builder? Nooo . . "

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is?  I planed that surface down by me own achin' back.  I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder?  Nooo . . . "

Then the old man points out the window.  "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder?  Nooo . . . "

Then the old m an looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat . . . !"  

----------

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning.  One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry.  He began as a carpenter, but now owns his  own design and construction firm.  He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks he has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends gave given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

----------



Wife V1.0 upgrade
-----------------

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system

initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system

performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.
-  A "Don't remind me again" button
-  Minimize button
-  An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed
  with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of
  cache and other system resources.
-  An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which
  would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much
  more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would

have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

*****  BUG WARNING  ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0.

Also, be ware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.  Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

----------

A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.  The boy asked his father "What is this Father?".  The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life.  I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled in between them into a small

room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.  They continued to watch ten circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."




----------

    With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that
    in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area. She
    put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who
    had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to
    secrecy, he agreed that no-one but him would ever know.  He carried
    out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose
    folds of skin.  It is a long operation!
   
    Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 "get well soon" cards on her
    bedside table.  She is appalled and demands to see the doctor. "No-one
    but you should know about this! You have let me down",she says.  "Ah"
    says the doc,"this card is from my wife and I, wishing you a speedy
    recovery." "How nice ", says Liz."Thank you - what a nice thought."
   
    "The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up
    after all your previous operations  - she is to be trusted."  "What a
    beautiful thought , from such a humble person -I'm really touched",
    says Liz.
   
    "But who is the 3rd card from?" asks Liz.
    "Oh", says the doctor, "that's from Evander Holyfield  -- thanking you
    for his new ears!!!"



----------



A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

   - "Officer, look what they've done to my
      Beeeeemer!!!",

he whined.

   - "You yuppies are so materialistic, you
      make me sick!!!",

retorted the officer.

   - "You're so worried about your stupid BMW,
      that you didn't even notice that your
      left arm was ripped off!!!"

   - "Oh my gaaawd...,"

replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left
shoulder where his arm once was,

   - "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"




----------

There is a third grade classroom somewhere in the Midwest. Every Friday, the teacher of this classroom asks a question that if answered correctly, grants the class the following Monday off from school. The first Friday came, and the teacher said, "All right class, it's time for the question that could earn you a day off... How high is the sky?" Nobody could answer, so she said,"See you Monday!"

The next Friday she said, "All right class, it's time for the question that could earn you a day off... How deep is the sea?" Nobody could answer, so she said, "See you Monday!"

One student of this third grade class was getting pretty pissed, and wanted to take advantage of this opportunity to have Monday off. So he went home and gathered a bucket full of ping pong balls. He took an hour and painted each ball black, and brought them to school that Friday.

Just after the teacher said, "All right class, it's time for the question that could earn you the day off..."  the student took the bucket of ping pong balls and threw them all over the classroom!  The teacher said, " All right!  Who's the comedian with the black balls!?" At which time the student said, "Bill Cosby, see ya Tuesday!"




----------

A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon, he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it, and he can't see any other building in the area.  However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.  He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says,

    - "What do you want?"

The man says,

    - "I've been lost for the past three weeks
       and haven't had a decent meal or sleep
       since that time.  I would be most grateful
       if I could have a meal and sleep in your
       house for tonight."

The old man says,

    - "I'll let you come in on one condition:
       You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agrees saying,

    - "I promise I won't cause you any trouble.
      I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old man counters,

    - "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you
      the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known
      to man."

    - "OK, agreed,"

as he entered the old house.

Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when he came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was.
She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship.

Furthermore, the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, he snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. Bill crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself,

    - "any three torture tests would be worth it
       after THAT experience."

Well, the next morning he awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 LB rock on your chest."

    - "What a lame torture test,"

he thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.

On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."

Seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, he jumps out the window after the rock.

Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."

----------

This one guy was at a urinal taking a squirt when this little man comes in and starts to take a leak too. As the guy looks over, he sees that this little man has a penis that is about 12 to 13 inches in length.

The guy just had to ask,

  - "Excuse me, how did you get a penis
     that large for someone your size?"

And the little man answers,

  - "I just wished for it, I'm a leprechaun."

So the guy answers,

  - "Well, do you think you could help me out
     and give me one that size?
     My girlfriend would love it!"

The leprechaun said

  - "Sure, but I'll have to shaft ya 'cause
     your human."

  - "What the hell is shafting?"

asked the guy.

  - "Well, I'll have to pump ya from
     the behind"

answers the leprechaun.

So this guy is thinking to himself, some pain, a little sore for a few days, but I'll have a 13 inch penis! So the guy
agrees and drops his pants and the leprechaun starts to shaft him.

As the little one is pumping away, he asks the guy

  - "How old are ya son?"

The guy answers

  - "23, why?"

And the leprechan says

  - "And ya still believe in leprechauns do ya?"




----------

Two builders (Fred and Bill) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters,
orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation
of the "suit"
....

Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."
Bill: "No way  he's a stockbroker."
Fred: "He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come
      in here!"

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the "suit" is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several schooners get the better of the builder...

Fred: "Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate
     were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try to explain by example............Do you have a
     goldfish at home?"
Fred: "Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!"
Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl
     or in a pond. Which is it?"
Fred: "It's in a pond!"
Suit: "Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
     garden then?'
Fred: "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!"
Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that
     if you have a large garden and that you have a large house?"
Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it
     myself!"
Suit: "Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is
     logical to  assume that you haven't built it just for
     yourself and that you are quite probably married?"
Fred: "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually
      active with your wife on a regular basis?"
Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
     very often?"
Fred: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!"
Fred: "How's that then?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told
     you about the size of garden you have, the size of house,
     your family and your sex life!"
Fred: "I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!"

Both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.

Bill: "I see the suit was in there did you ask him what he does?"
Fred: "Yep ! He's a logical scientist!"
Bill: "What's that then?"
Fred: "I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?"
Bill: "Nope?"
Fred: "Well then Bill, you're a Wanker!"




----------

     
- "Adam,", the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden,
- "what did you and Eve do today?"
- "We ate some fruit, Lord,", Adam said reverently.
- "Did you eat of the forbidden tree?", asked God.
- "Yes, Lord, we did,"  Adam confessed.
- "And then what did you do?", God asked.
- "We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."
- "Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.
- "She's down at the brook washing herself out."
- "Oh, no,", the Lord moaned.
- " Now all the fish are going to smell like that!



----------

Two aliens from outer space came down at a gas station. They got out of their vehicle and the first alien pointed his space gun at a gas pump and said,

 - Take me to your leader!

The gas pump said nothing, of course. The second alien then said to the first,

 - Lay off man, that one is a real bad ass."

The first alien repeated,

 - "TAKE MEE TO YOUR LEADER!!!"

The second alien just sat there, saying,

 - Man, we are gonna get into real trouble,
   that one IS a real bad ass.

By now the first alien is getting really pissed off and
pulls the trigger.

        BOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!

A while later the aliens wake up about a half mile away and the first alien says,

 - How did you know he was such a bad ass?

The second alien says,

 - Anyone who can wrap his dick around his
   waist twice and stick it in his ear must be
   one hell of a bad ass.



----------

One day Bill complained to his friend,

 - My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see
   a doctor.

His friend offered,

 - Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug
   store that can diagnose anything quicker and
   cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample
   of your urine and the computer will diagnose
   your problem and tell you what you can do about
   it.  It only costs $10.

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.  After a brief pause
out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science
forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.  He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener

Your dog has worms
Get him vitamins

Your daughter is using cocaine
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls
They aren't yours
Get a lawyer

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never
get better.

----------

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says

 -  My husband works as a marriage counselor.
    He always buys me flowers and candy before
    we make love. I like that.

The second woman says,

 -  My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes
    to play rough and slaps me around sometimes.
    I kinda like that.

The third woman just shakes her head and says,

 -  My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on
    the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's
    going to be when I get it."

----------

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

    - "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting
       on a fence and you shot one with your gun
       how many would be left?"
    - "None,"

replied Johnny,

    - "cause the rest would fly away."
    - "Well the answer is four,"

said the teacher,

    - "but I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in
a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone,
which one is married?"

    - "Well,"

said the teacher nervously,

    - "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
    - "No,"

said Little Johnny,

    - "the one with the wedding ring on
       her finger, but I like the way
       you are thinking."



----------

A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. So he went to an expensive
boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a
note. While wrapping up the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of
panties instead. Here is the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart:



Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.

Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart...

I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they won't shrink.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

Hollingsworth

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down
    with a little fur showing.

----------

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a lifesized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said,

     - "Well, I don't really know of anything that
        will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos,
        special attachments, and so on, but I don't
        know of anything that will keep her occupied
        for weeks, except -- "

and he stopped.

     - "Except what?"

the man asked.

     - "Nothing, nothing."
     - "C'mon, tell me!  I need something!"
     - "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but
        there is the 'voodoo dick."
     - "So what's up with this voodoo dick?"

he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved  with strange
symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said

     - "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other
        dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied,

     - "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said

     - "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said

     - "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

     - "I'll take it!"

said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.  The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said

     - "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"

The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.  She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.  She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:

     - "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"



----------



Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

 - "What's wrong, Bill?"

she asked.

He said

 - "Do you remember that I told you how I had this
    tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

 - "Oh, Bill, you didn't."

 - "Yes, I did."

 - "My God, Bill, what happened?"

 - "I got fired."

 - "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

 - "Oh...she got fired too."




----------



A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons.

 - "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's
    mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the
    gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll
    then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit
    unscathed. In return for witnessing this
    spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates
in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.

 - "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give
    it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd.  After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke
up.

 - "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit
    me on the head with the beer bottle"

----------

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one,

  - "Heaven's getting pretty close to full
     today, and I've been asked to admit
     only people who have had particularly
     horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies:

  - "Well, for a while I've suspected my
     wife has been cheating on me, so
     today I came home early to try to
     catch her red-handed. As I came into
     my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
     something was wrong, but all my
     searching around didn't reveal where
     this other guy could have been hiding.
     Finally, I went out to the balcony,
     and sure enough, there was this man
     hanging off the railing, 25 floors
     above ground! By now I was really mad,
     so I started beating on him and kicking
     him, but wouldn't you know it, he
     wouldn't fall off.
     So finally I went back into my apartment
     and got a hammer and starting hammering
     on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't
     stand that for long, so he let go and
     fell -- but even after 25 stories, he
     fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.
     I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran
     into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge
     and threw it over the edge where it
     landed on him, killing him instantly.
     But all the stress and anger got to me,
     and I had a heart attack and died there
     on the balcony."

  - "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,"

said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him
about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

  - "It's been a very strange day. You see,
     I live on the 26th floor of my
     apartment building, and every morning
     I do my exercises out on my balcony.
     Well, this morning I must have slipped
     or something, because I fell over the
     edge. But I got lucky, and caught the
     railing of the balcony on the floor
     below me. I knew I couldn't hang on
     for very long, when suddenly this man
     burst out onto the balcony. I thought
     for sure I was saved, when he started
     beating on me and kicking me. I held
     on the best I could until he ran into
     the apartment and grabbed a hammer
     and started pounding on my hands.
     Finally I just let go, but again I got
     lucky and fell into the bushes below,
     stunned but all right. Just when I was
     thinking I was going to be okay, this
     refrigerator comes falling out of the
     sky and crushes me instantly, and now
     I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded
like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and
again the whole process was repeated. Peter
explained that heaven was full and asked for his
story.

  - "Picture this,"

says the third man,

  - "I'm hiding naked inside a
     refrigerator..."




----------

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The
big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says

 -"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound
   left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"

The small white guy faints !!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy

 - "What's wrong?".

The small white guy says

 - "Excuse me but what did you say?".

The big black dude looks down and says

 - "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound
    left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is
    Turner Brown"

The small white guy says

 - "Thank god, I thought you said "Turn around".

----------

A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to
rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right
breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real break through.

The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act
and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in, and then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is
dead. The doctor asks what happened, to which the man replies

 - "She choked."

----------

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says

 - "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
    tomorrow and want to stay fresh.."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A  few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again. This time he whispers in her ear,

 - "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

----------

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and
she replies,

 - "This is a very interesting book about sexual
    statistics. It identifies that American Indians
    have the longest average penis and Polish men
    have the biggest average diameter.  By the way,
    my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies,

 - "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

----------



A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

 - "What can I get you?"

the bartender inquires.

 - "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"

responded the young man.

 - "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

 - "Yeah, my first blowjob."

 - "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the
    house."

 - "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of
    the taste, nothing will."

----------

A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and one of them decides to share his recent
embarrassment with the others.  He tells them that he was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he
was so preoccupied with the beautiful breasts of the girl to the counter, that instead of saying "I'd like
a ticket to Pittsburgh", he said,

 - "I'd like a picket to Titsburg!"!

An older guy nearby hears the story and says,

 - "You know, I had a similar experience with my wife
    this morning.  We were sitting at the breakfast
    table. and I meant to say, "Darling, could you
    please pass the butter" ... but what came out was,
    "You bitch, you're ruining my fucking life!"



----------

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry.  So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.  She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man

  - "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I
     love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a  television, and a stereo and gives them to the man.  She says,

 - "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love
    you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says,

 - "I am  investing the rest of the money for our future because
    I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

----------

    A guy walks into a tattoo parlor and tells the guy at the front desk
          - "I want a $100 bill tattooed on my penis."

   The guy asks him
          - "Why do you want a $100 bill tattooed on your penis?"

    He says
          -"Well first of all I like to play with my money,
            Second of all I like to watch my money grow,
            And the next time my wife wants to blow $100,
            She doesn't have to go shopping!!"

----------

What is the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
- One is a phony buck!

----------

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute
with diarrhea?
- One shucks between fits!


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