Some Mythical Headlines & Subtexts Of "The People's National Contracting Inquirer Weekly News", by H. Kent Craig

Some Mythical Headlines & Subtexts Of

General contractor bites vampire; vampire becomes human

Contractor also manages to suck all the money from the vampire's wallet.

Plumbing contractor discovers lesbian orgy going on inside sewer main; makes offer

"I didn't know what else to do, so I gave them all coupons good for a free draincleaning with their next service call", said Duffus Dorkmeister, Master Plumber

1,200 volts jolts electrician, who then declares himself to be God

"Now that I'm God, I can forgive myself for all those 'enhanced' timesheets in the past" declared Sparky of NEC (Never Enough Current) Electrical Contracting Co.

Painting contractor videotapes himself being attacked and swallowed whole by a giant whale

Masonry contractor vacationing in Egypt discovers Pharaoh's tomb that his 1,000th-great-grandfather help build

Would you believe he discovered Miss Kate's cesspool he helped build thirty years ago, instead?

Framing contracting discovers a bag containing a million dollars in cash, shows honesty

Guard points gun to head and makes him return it to the armored truck driver who accidentally dropped it as it was being brought into the bank.

Paving contractor finds cure for cancer

"But I accidentally lost it when I dropped my pants to take a quick dump in Mr. Johnson's driveway before I covered it up with asphalt", said Joe Tarmac, owner of Shithappens Paving Co.

Refrigeration contractor invents prosthesis to hide embarrassing buttcracks above rear beltline.

Is nominated for Nobel Prize For Medicine for reducing cases of accidentally induced nausea by one-third worldwide.

Architect declares "I'm the real father of Pamela Anderson Lee's baby!

Tommy Lee, who's building a new house, is seen walking with funny gait around the streets of Los Angeles for days.

Landscaping contractor shoots up with Vice-President Al Gore

"I swear, it looked like he had Dutch Elm Disease, and he never moved the entire time I was injecting his roots with the vaccine" declared Mr. Mossy Oak, owner of Pissmoneyaway Yard Services.

Drywall contractor begins speaking new, never-before-heard language

Anthropologists recognize his monotoned, incoherent mumblings as attempts to communicate.

Flooring & carpeting subcontractor becomes an ordained minister

News makes headlines worldwide; first time in recorded history that a flooring contractor goes 24 seconds let alone 24 hours without using multiple strings of profanity.

HVAC contractor learns to communicate via American Sign Language

Drapery/blinds subcontractor declares "I'M NOT GAY!

To which the rest of the contractors on the job in response declare "WHO CARES?!?"

Ancient, 800-year-old artifacts discovered by door and accessories hardware supplier

Steel wool, metal polish, and elbow grease quickly bring them up to that brilliant shine before being installed as new.

Three-headed baby fathered by boilermaker

"That's what we get for splitting one too many heating branches into unneeded zones, just to jack up our labor and material bill" said right-side head of Frank I & Frank II Steamfitter.

Cabinetmaker is kidnaped, sexually probed by aliens from Alpha Centaura

"It really didn't bother me all that much" said Randy Sharpencil "I simply assumed I was being screwed by a funny-looking general contractor, again!"

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