Today, I Am Me ~ A Slightly Rambling Discourse On Marriage, Divorce, The Human Pair-Bond Need & The Need To Be Reunited With The Father {From My Daily Blog Entry Of Friday, December 10th 2004}
by
H. Kent Craig



Today Friday December 10th 2004 at 10:06AM my wife of the past four years, Liann, was granted a divorce without opposition from me in Wake County N.C. court. During the four year course of marriage, we being married on October 24 2000, the first two years were beyond belief perfect while almost at the exact midpoint our marriage seemed to break like a tsunami wave hitting its logical beach and we soon separating after that on April 1 2003 (North Carolina law requires a one year provable residency separation to be granted an absolute divorce) and today actually making things official.

I sit here, having listened to our official break-up song The Postal Service’s “The District Sleeps Alone Tonight” off their album “Give Up” a couple of times in reflection, yes, that’s why I am writing this I suppose, to reflect without rancor or nostalgia, to use the power of words to imprint the seal on the document of fate we choose earlier many months ago culminating in what happened this morning.

I will not grieve over the marriage to Liann now soon to be just a fifteen alphanumeric space addition to my next year’s listing in “Who’s Who”, nor will I celebrate it’s passing nor will I make any potential major life-altering decisions such as picking up the phone and telling that certain company that’s been trying to recruit me that I will accept that consulting gig they’ve been nagging me to take in Iraq, after all.

You say it’s impossible for me not to be in a stage of grief right now, that’s impossible for the actual divorce to be less than two hours’ old and I not feel at least a tinge if not a gutshot of grief? Yes, it’s not just possible but is reality for me because I’ve already gone through the seven stages of grief and now it’s just a matter of, well, letting it fade not from memory because when you truly love someone enough to marry them they will never leave that special place in your heart or psyche but yes definitely fade from day-to-day conscious thought that they are or are not a part of your day-to-day life anymore.

The hurt, the denial, the pain, the anger, the bargaining, the self-reconciliation and yes then the last stage of grief, of when Liann ripped my heart from my soul and smashed it into a million pieces then threw those pieces back in my face not for anything I had said or done but simply because she was changing and had changed and I was and is and am pretty much my old usual most-boring-man-in-America-self, the loud then to the now subdued echo of that bell of change is faded into deep memory and given to my soul-memories which I will carry into the next lifetimes after this one but not in this one much if at all anymore.

I believe in marriage. I really don’t believe in divorce, not really. I believe that whomever you are murdered by, whoever murders you, and whomever you become a lover to, you bind to that person’s soul like no other three human acts can impose and when you make the commitment to marry someone in the eyes of man and God and you become not just their body-lover but their soul-lover for you and you for they for all and all and all eternity of time. With such a binding of souls that even God can not put asunder, well, He could but He doesn’t usually, the act of ending the marriage and pretending it never happened and that you and your spouse won’t be in and out of each other’s future lifetimes together depending is, well, if not silly at least more than a bit denial-ish. You can create a secular permanent separation called “divorce” but even in cases of extreme betrayal like what my first wife (Liann was my second wife) did to me even in cases where the cleave of pain is so great that you don’t care to ever see them again in this lifetime you are still bound to their soul for all eternity, like it or not. The one saving grace to this is that when you’re both in Heaven, while old heavy betrayals on this Earth are still not forgotten even there, they become less important and yes you do move on.

Divorce, legal divorce, is unfortunately needed for the conveniences of the human conditions, for the conveniences of lawyers and tax collectors and affected families and other family members of those caught up in a divorce trap and for lots of other reasons and lots of other people more than the two main parties involved, usually.

That said, legal and relatively easy divorce is a evil necessity to promote the mental and spiritual health of those who first married and now need a way to second dissolve those rudy bonds of matrimony because in the end, free will agency, the ability to make free will choices of who will and will not be in and part of your life within the narrow band of four dimensions we call reality is absolutely necessary so we, our souls, can grow past this double-mirrored reflection of non-random events we call the here and now and evolve into that which we all hopefully want to and will become.

I wish that there wasn’t ever a need for any couple to divorce, just as I wish there was never a need for any abortion of any kind, not even to save the life of the mother in extreme circumstances, but to blanket-deny the need for adults to make adult choices about adult things in their life such as whom they wish to domestically partner with or if they should choose to abort a fetus no matter what the circumstances might be or not is to deny not just a legal right but a God-given “natural right”.

I’ve never known a single woman who, the nobleness or medical necessity of the procedure aside, wasn’t deeply, deeply affected by her choice to choose to have an abortion, and I’ve never known a single couple who, the nobleness or emotional health necessity aside of one or both aside, wasn’t deeply, deeply affected by the process of divorce. The fact that these choices are difficult to make and not-so-easy to live with the consequences a lot of the times afterwards does not abrogate a person’s natural, God-given right to make them, nor does it give rise or implied or assumed permission by those who would assume control and take away other’s natural rights to make these adult choices. Even if you let a self-style fascist or group of fascists by proxy through legal embrasures assumed control of citizens’ natural rights to make these hard decisions, that wouldn’t make the impact on those involved any less soul-path-altering or not when the decisions would be made, it would simply make them different. As long as there is complete, transparent accountability of actions and those choices do not deny or dent the rights of other adults to make their own decisions nor harm minor children, adults should be allowed the authority as well as the responsibility to make informed choices they feel is best for their lives.

So, I sit here at this computer and reflect on what I believe divorce means in the macro senses of society and God and the micro sense of Liann and myself, especially me, right now.

For the first time in my life, I having met my first wife when I was 19 and she was 24 and dating a while and then moving in with her straight from my parents’ house to living with her and then marrying her in 1979, our son being born in 1981 and then she and I divorced in 2000 (Liann was NOT the cause of my divorcing my first wife, I need to make that very clear) and then moved in with Liann and then within a few weeks, less than a month essentially, marrying Liann, for the first time in my life I am actually single. Single. Yes, it feels weird.

I have went from my parents’ to Cathy to Liann and now, now I am me.

I am no longer defined by my other or better half or by anyone else. No, I am not “free”. I am a servant and warrior of God always first and foremost and because of that joyful acquiescence of a modicum of my freedom and free will I shall never be truly “free” from the sense of anarchy but yes always having free will agency which different, yes, of course, but I am not someone’s anything other now. I am simply, I am me.

Will I ever get married again? Who the frig’ knows at this point, lest of all myself.

During the over-year-and-a-half-nearly-two-years residency separation from Liann, I did met two very special lady friends who became my lovers and both of whom I thought God had brought in my life because He had ordained it, much like I truly believed and still believe that He ordained Liann be in my life and that we get married, much like I believed the same thing when I married my first wife, Cathy. None of those four special women in my life just past are with me now nor will they ever be again, two by their choice not to be with me and two by my choice not to be with them.

Yet, I still and will always believe that our, those four special relationships, were truly ordained by God. They just weren’t ordained to be “the one” is all, even though I believed all four to be when they each began, respectively.

I admit in honest humility that kind of very human-based delusion surprises me about myself even now. As a Gnostic Christian who not only believes in reincarnation but who openly acknowledges having past-life memories, I should know not just on an intellectual level but on emotional and spiritual levels that all physical bindings of passion and lust and comfort and closeness and intimacy are, while incredibly great and I wouldn’t trade them for the world and definitely want more of them, want to be in a full-time emotional and physical relationship with a new special lady in the future, all physical bindings in this plane of existence are only temporary, our mutual bondings being binding to and for us within our soul-group for eternity being the only permanent thing we will take from this life, those bondings and the memories of those we bonded to and how we bonded.

Yet, in hindsight I realize and acknowledge it was from fear of being alone, of being me to me and to no one else, that drove a sense of if not manic panic then anticipatory jitters about being alone to not just bond with those four special lovers but to seek to share domestic space with them for all time, each in turn respectively, because it minimized if not mostly assuaged my fear of abandonment, fear of abandonment being as primary and primal to the human condition because in our condition of being human we all feel, at least times, that Father has abandoned us here on this miserable-at-times-planet when in reality He really hasn’t.

Even Jesus, Himself, when He was dying on the cross forcried “Father, why has Thoust forsaken me?!?”, and since Jesus-Himself, the only perfect person who ever lived on this planet and who gave His life to so we could be saved and enter into Father’s Kingdom, since Jesus-Himself was definitely human enough to actually think that Father had abandoned Him on the cross, then, well, I am going to cut myself a little slack for my own human doubts when I have them at times.

So, will I ever get married again? I honestly don’t know. I am not ruling out the possibility, nor am I making setting up a 24/7 domicile with a new lover a priority let alone putting that arrangement set into legal marriage again anytime soon, either.

I am hoping to find a new special someone to share my life with, to share the intimacies of potential embarrassments with, to share our mutual amusements of the human conditions with, to share a laugh and a joke and yes a great time in bed with, and am willing to be open to new possibilities of the paradigm of what that relationship might or not might be like, to include or not.

After two failed marriages and two failed serious relationships in four years’ time, I still am hopeful that God has another partner waiting for me, she waiting for I and I for her, in the wings just offstage but if I am meant to do other things right now at the new beginnings of this next one-third-arc-of-my-life, so be it, I will do my best to accept His will, my will, O(o)our mutual centerpoint “Grand Will”.

In the end, according to The Law Of Paradox, it just doesn’t matter because it matters so completely, tee-totally. What does matter is that I continue to be as humble to God as I can, as obedient to Him as I can be, to follow Our mutually agreed-upon plan for my life that I call “Grand Will” and learn the lessons I need to learn here and now so I can progress to the next life and eventually, as I seek the next joining of a partner here in this life and on this plane, hopefully will re-join with Father in Heaven, becoming as One with Him eventually somewhere out past eternity as I seek to become one or at least a good partner with a new sweet lady in the here and now, eventually.



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