Kent's Scientific & Medical Jokepile

Below is my on-growing collection of scientific and medical jokes, puns, parodies, satires, etc. New jokes are apt to be placed in random order within the pile, so please check back in often and scroll all the way down to find the new ones, thank you. If you have a good scientific or medical joke, please email it to me , so that I may share it with the other readers that visit here, and THANKS, Smile!~~~Kent

From: "Bill Maghan" william.maghan@spamsucks.net
To: kent@hkentcraig.com
Subject: Sci-Med joke
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 19:31:36 -0800

How to test to see if someone is a chemist:

Write "unionized" on a sheet of paper. The chemist will respond "un-ionized."

Ask what a mole is. A chemist will still be talking two minutes later.

One Potential Problem Of Advanced Genetic Research
--------------------------------------------------

After years of genetic research, a scientist discovered a way to make an exact duplicate of herself.
At first she was gratified and excited, and visions of the Nobel Prize began to swim before her eyes.
But then, her creation started to speak, and the scientist was horrified to hear nothing but cursing and terrible, filthy language issuing forth, acompanying lewd, suggestive monologues.
Then it got even worse. The clone became very destructive, and actually threatened the scientist, who began to fear for her life.
In self-defense, the scientist managed to push the clone out the window, which was several stories above a cement parking lot. That was the end of the clone.
However, before long, the scientist herself was arrested.
The charge: making an obscene clone fall.

Rabbits

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it.
We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."

=========================
The History of Medicine
=========================

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.

*********

(Stolen from the "Spencer F. Katt Rumor Central" column in the October 12, 1998, edition of "PC Week" magazine.)

You Might Be A Nerd If You...

*...ever gained free admission to a sci-fi convention thanks to your Klingon attire.

*...wore Birkenstocks to your wedding.

*...have written long letters to Steven Hawking to dispute several major flaws in his thinking.

*...have ever been named the world's richest citizen by Forbes magazine.

*...have ever wished there were macros in real life for nuisance things like, ummm, bathing, for instance.

*...are currently converting the works of Shakespeare to hexadecimal in your spare time.

*...ever carried more than two personal digital devices on your person at one time.

*...don't own any shirts other than the freebies you've collected from software and computer companies. *...have a vanity plate on your car that reads: EBCDIC

*...tried to implement your own Y2K fix on your former employer's network.

*...have recently recommend a book on Perl script to your friends and family.

*...were ever handed change while heading towards work after your company implemented "casual" Fridays.

The Bear

This bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a beer"! The bartender says, "We don't serve bears beer at this bar".
The bear lets out a large roar and says, "I WANT A BEER"! The bartender again says, "We don't serve bears beer at this bar".
The bear leaned toward the bartender and with a large growl said, "If I don't get a beer I am going to do something terrible".

The bartender replied, "We don't serve bears beer at this bar".
The bear looked around and when he saw a woman sitting at the end of the bar he said, "If I don't get a beer now I am going to chew that woman at the end of the bar to pieces." The bartender replied, "I told you we don't serve bears beer at this bar."
Well the bear went down to the end of the bar and just chewed the woman to pieces!

When he was done he came back and with a roar said, "NOW I WANT A BEER"! The bartender replied, "I TOLD YOU WE DON'T SERVE BEARS BEER AT THIS BAR- ESP. ONES ON DRUGS!"

Well the bear leaned back and said, "What are you talking about drugs?"

And the bartender replied, "What about that bar-bitch-u-ate?"

The Beatles Updated {VERY Funny!}

+++++++++++
Yesterday
---------

   Yesterday,
   All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away.
   Oh I believe in yesterday.
   Suddenly,
   There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me
   The system crashed so suddenly.
   I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
   Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
   Yesterday,
   The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay,
   Now I believe in yesterday.

====================================
Eleanor Rigby
-------------

   Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
   That will make the machine do some more. What is it for?
   All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
   Guru MacKenzie
   Typing the lines of a program that no one will run; Isn't it fun?   Look at him working,
   Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile; It takes a while...
   All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
   Eleanor Rigby
   Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work; Feels like a jerk.   Guru MacKenzie
   Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code; Nothing will load.
   All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

====================================
Unix Man
--------

   He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.
   Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?
   UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?
   UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry UNIX Man
   The new kernel boots, just like you had planned. He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ... Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody.

===================================
Write in C ("Let it Be")
------------------------

When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
   As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
   Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
   I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
   If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
   Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
   Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

==========================

INVITATION TO A SCIENTISTS' BALL

Ampere was worried he wasn't current.

Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Darwin waited to see what evolved.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Dr Jekyll declined-he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Edison thought it would be illuminating.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.

Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.

Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.

Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.

Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."

Newton planned to drop in.

Ohm resisted the idea.

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

Volta was electrified, and Archimedes buoyant at the thought.

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

COMPREHENDING BIOMEDICAL ENGINEERS, --TAKE FOUR:

A biomedical engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "take what you want!!!"
The second biomed engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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