Sino' The Times
Or: Top 12 Signs That Your Company Is Getting Ready To Open An Office In Peking

by
H. Kent Craig



  1. Your CFO changes his last name from "Penishort" to "Longwang".
  2. The company cafeteria adds a new dish: Fricasseed Feline In Orange & Walnut Sauce.
  3. The large, unused parking lot in the rear is converted to a rice paddy, where all company employees are required to work two hours a day while being occasionally poked in the ribs with rifles by company security people.
  4. The long-empty, explosion and sound-proof storage room in the basement is converted into a "re-education facility" for those who dare question the expenditure of next year's employee bonuses to finance the move to open the branch in Peking.
  5. The median employee salary company-wide is reduced from $42,537.24 per year to $3.00 per day...Wall Street reacts to the news by tripling the value and price of the company's stock within a week.
  6. A $250,000 corporate softmoney contribution is made to the Democratic National Party via use of fronting a bunch of expatriate Confucian nuns.
  7. Human Resources buys a surplus Army tank, complete with working machine gun, and parks it in the middle of the lunchtime brickyard plaza, just to remind everyone that a new corporate mindset is falling into place.
  8. As an empathetic gesture, the company health plan quits paying for maternity and coverage benefits for couples having more than one child, and begins to pay for abortions, which it didn't previously.
  9. All faxes and letters to "the outside world" must first be approved by the new "Truth Is Whateverthehellwesayitis Corporate Communications Committee"...management speculates in closed meetings why no one ever thought of doing that before.
  10. All the restrooms are permanently shutdown in favor of making all employees use a series of outhouses built out near the shipping dock, the "nightsoil" of which is recycled as fertilizer to feed the rice peacefully growing in the nearby rice paddy, which is loving tended by employee-peasants.
  11. The company brass approves trying to market the R&D Department's new, improved, nuclear fissionable materials centrifuge to Zimbabwe, Guyana, Key West, and The American Federation Of Teachers.
  12. Company security begins to randomly, sweat-bullets-ingly interrogate all company employees, shooting them up with scopalomene while hooked up to a lie detector, shining heatlamps in their faces, yelling at them again and again and again the same horrible question over and over and over again, "are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Republican Party??!!??".


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