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...If The Problem Is...
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...And The Possible Cause Is...
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...Then The Probable Solution Might Be...
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Leak at detector
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Catastrophic ~ detector-seal failure
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Meditate then upon the navel of female bisexual stripper
for fifteen minutes. Then replace detector-seal, using an
enhanced sealing mixture composed 50/50 of the sweat from a
one-legged Innuit midget and the excrement of a randomly
selected audience member, to insure proper seal-lock.
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Broad peaks
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Analytes eluted early due to sample overload
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Contemplate upon the bare nipples of a pre-op transsexual
for seven and one-half minutes. Then dilute sample with
piss from foresaid transsexual after a night of
beer-drinking with
him/her/it on a 10-to-1 ratio, then reinject.
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Poor sample recovery
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Adsorption on tubing
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Kill your nearest enemy with a single stroke from your
samurai sword. Then use inert (PEEK) tubing, made from the
catheter of an 84-year-old grandmother who's married to her
13-year-old great-grandson.
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High back pressure
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Microbial growth on column
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Transcend by arranging yellow, white, red, and black
flowers into a spray of colors, symbolizing the
universality of humankind. Then use at least a 10% organic
modifier, distilled from the salivic spray of a
four-hundred-pound+ woman who lives in a trailer park just
outside of Cincinnati, Ohio and which has been sterilized
by her simultaneous constant stream of profanity which
propelled her oral spray originally. Also, add 0.02% sodium
azide, refined from the navel lint of a Ku Klux Klan'er
who's married to his favorite hunting dog, to the aqueous
mobile phase.
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Slow column equilibration time
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Reversed-phase ion pairing...long-chain ion pairing
reagents require longer equilibration time
|
Conduct a perfect tea ceremony, to help find your center.
Then, have a female trisexual stripper scrap dried cum off
her week-old-worn G-string to add to an ion-pairing reagent
with shorter alkyl chain length.
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Changing retention times
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Contamination buildup
|
Do a calligraphic scroll expression with brush and inkblock
of your inner-most fears. Then have all the guests up on
stage engage in one of your trademark pro wrestling-genre
chair-throwing, hair-pulling fights, scarring your HPLC
unit into accidentally "flushing itself" out.
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Noise
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Periodic ~ pump pulses
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Climb to up near the top of Mt. Fuji, then hold hold your
grasped hands above your head while you sit under a small,
cascading waterfall for three days. Then have a wannabe
barely 18-YO pornstar guest show she's up to the task by
having her manually blow-purge the air from the pump.
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Ghost peaks
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Oxidation of trifluoroacetic acid in peptide mapping
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Do zazen until your Master tells you your mind is clear.
Then have one of the many PhD's in chemistry who regularly
appear on your show prepare a fresh batch of
trifluoroacetic acid on stage while topless and
simultaneously kissing her topless girlfriend who's yet to
reveal she's been cheating on her girlfriend with her pet
hamster.
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Peak tailing
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Silica-based column ~ degradation at high-temperature
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Practice your archery until you can place at least one
arrow per brace on the target while shooting blindfolded.
Reduce temperature to less than 500 by having Brandi Bigguns
nestle the column between her 66xFFFFFFFFF breasts while
being spanked by an audience volunteer.
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Lack of sensitivity
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Injector sample loop underfilled
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Help the first poor peasant you find by offering them
whatever money you have on your person, and asking their
forgiveness for not having more, before retreating to the
monastery to contemplate the cedar tree in the front
grounds. Then overfill the loop with sample as an
obvious solution, you idiot! C'mon now, you are bound to be
at least slightly more intelligent than an average show
guest, I hope!
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