The scene: New Year's Eve, a bunch of middle-age to older mostly white contractors from all trades, milling around a rented private nightclub dancefloor, drinking freely from the open bar, chewing tobacco, smoking cheap cigars, belching, loudly farting, all of them dressed in all sorts of plain-ish to elaborate cross-dressed female costumes, ranging the gamut from Dolly Parton to Oprah to Pamela Lee to The Spice Girls to Ru Paul to Mother Teresa . . . the banter begins . . .

Top 23 Things Overheard At The New Year's Eve Cross-Dressing Contractors' Ball

by
H. Kent Craig



  1. Is that a 36" pipe wrench in the pocket of those spandex tights, or are you just happy to see me?
  2. You're right, Bubba, that hotpink top does make your beergut look a few pounds smaller.
  3. No, Charlie, you can't have the next dance, I've promised it to Steve, he kisses better during the slow ones.
  4. (Bumpersticker unknowingly plastered to someone's rear by a prankster) " Take a Homosapiens to lunch ".
  5. Your face looks so puffy, Morry . . . is it "that time of the month" for you?
  6. That dress is so, well, you, Jeffrey . . . . did Kmart have a sale after Christmas?
  7. Quit fiddling with your wig, Al . . . it's your imagination . . . artificial hair can't harbor headlice.
  8. Did you see those nice fake boobs on Mike? . . . it almost makes me wish that he was a woman!
  9. Is something rising inside that dress, or is your Roto-Rooter sewer cleaning machine accidentally turning on?
  10. Yeah, that's right, Bob's a general contractor, which is why he feels so at home at this party . . . he's such a pimp, if a sweet one...he's already screwed almost everyone here this past year, anyway...
  11. Oh, Jones-y, you flatterer (belch, fart) you! . . . I think you have the cutest little rearend, too!
  12. No, I don't think make-up and lingerie for this event will be an allowable business deduction.
  13. I'm starting to feel, well, just too feminine dressed like a chick and all . . . 'wanna go with me out in the woods tomorrow and kill something?
  14. (Spoken by a 6'4" & 250 lbs masonry contractor, squeezed into a size 14 dress) Yes, I did borrow this from my wife, how can you tell?
  15. After wearing these damn 5" spikeheels all damn night long, I'll never again think that Ginger Rogers was less of a dancer than Fred Astaire.
  16. Anyone got a couple a' extra quarters for the tampon machine?
  17. No, I don't think club soda will remove chewed snuff stains from white satin, you'll have to take it to a dry cleaners tomorrow, sorry.
  18. Now I'm beginning to understand why Joe Namath liked wearing pantyhose.
  19. If I hear one more Marv Albert joke, I'm going to beat the living crap out of whoever says it, and not because they ask me to!
  20. Which bathroom am I supposed to use, the men's or the women's?
  21. Peaches, come over here and explain to us why you think wrecking contractors have the biggest balls of all.
  22. J.C., that studded dog collar and leather G-string simply doesn't do you justice!
  23. Jesus, will you look at Tony! . . . he doesn't even need falsies to fill out the top part of his two-piece bikini...but gross, I wish he would have at least shaved his chest hair first . . .



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