Top Ten Commonalities That Hospital Construction/Maintenance Administrators & Coroners Share

by
H. Kent Craig


  1. On any given day, most of the people they encounter are already brain-dead.
  2. As part of their job description, they see and do things that most of us would rather not think about.
  3. The vast majority of them think the old TV show "Quincy" has as much do with portraying coroners and medical settings accurately as triple-XXX porn tapes show how most people make love in real-life.
  4. Both of them have access to all sorts of exotic chemicals and compounds and gases which can be used if one has that mindset, uuuhhhhhh, "recreationally".
  5. Given the choice, they'd rather not be noticed at all, any publicity generally indicating that somewhere along the line they've really screwed up and how.
  6. To keep their jobs, they have to learn to play the internal hospital politics of their situations so well that the Federal Election Commission requires that they register as lobbyists.
  7. A lot of times, women just find them irresistible because of that certain "odor" that sweetly reeks off their masculine bodies.
  8. Gay men also find them incredibly attractive, because they figure since they're so routinely fucked over on a daily basis by the frustrations of dealing with the system in general and their superiors in particular, they must really enjoy anal sex, or they'd find another line of work.
  9. Frequently they're referred to as "J.C. (for Jesus Christ)" behind their backs because if asked they'll tell you that they're so near-perfect that they never make any mistakes. Truth be known, they both usually bury their mistakes, coroners under a mountain of paperwork and jargon as well inside burial vaults, hospital construction/maintenance administrators under hospital floors and behind patient room walls.
  10. Religiousness and spirituality are very important to both. Coroners tend to see the wonders of God through the manifest complexity and intricacy of the human body, while hospital construction/maintenance administrators frequently invoke the blessings of God when things don't go exactly their way, i.e., "God, how stupid can you be, ? . . . you don't drill holes for new pipes in concrete floors with live patients lying in bed in the room underneath! "; "Jesus Christ, a chimpanzee could run medical gas lines straighter than that!"; and "G*$%@m your soul, you moron, NO, you don't use the autoclave in the surgery prep area to heat up your sandwich for lunch!"

Written to honor my friend David Gaunce, who has forgotten more about hospital construction & maintenance than most people could ever hope to learn.



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