Top Ten Things That Simply Delight VAR's (Value Added Resellers) When They Hear Them

by
H. Kent Craig



  1. $2,196.87?!?  Shoot, I can buy the same system from Gateway or Dell for three hundred dollars less!
  2. If you don't want me to go the Dell or Gateway or no-name clone from an ad in "Computer Shopper" route, not only will you meet the price I want, but you'll set everything up and burn the system in at no extra charge.
  3. C'mon, now, I know all you VAR's have a personal stash of theftware. If you want the sale, I expect the machine to be fully loaded with "full-function demo copies" of every conceivable piece of current shrinkwrap software.
  4. C'mon, now, you're a professional, I'm sure you know of a way around the encoded "stoned virus" that's written into AutoCADŽ; c'mon, how much extra is a working bootleg copy of 'CAD gonna cost me?
  5. What do you mean WordStar's dead and gone? I've been using it for almost fifteen years, and I need an upgrade for it to run on the new 'NT system my office's just installed, and I want it  now!
  6. My boss doesn't ever check the books that close...what about if you bill me $5,000 for this new $2,500 system, and you and I will split the difference 50/50, and if he does say anything, we'll both say it was for additional system configuration needs?
  7. We're a Fortune 500 company, Mr. VAR, and you don't screw with us, we screw with you or screw you, your choice. We'll tell you exactly the non-negotiable contract price you'll do this system installation and consulting contract for, we'll tell you how many people you'll put on the job and what you'll pay them and what their working hours will be while on site, and we'll write into the contract exhibits that we'll basically own not just your first-born son but your eternal soul if you do the slightest thing to piss off any of our IT Oversight Committee members in any way, shape, or form. The alternative is that we'll blackball you from doing business from any other Fortune 500 company ever again if you don't play ball with us by our rules, not yours.
  8. How stupid are you, really?  My ten-year-old could write a patch program in VisualBasic to make my old Morrow CP/M boatanchor act as a dumb terminal for our new Xenix system, and you're telling you can't, or won't?
  9. Hi, I'm Joe/Josephine! I'm the new IT Director for our company, and I just want to let you know that while I'm right out of college and this is my first real job, I think I'm God's gift to computer science, and during the duration of the contract I've just hired you for I'll continually second-guess your every move and demand explanations for the most basic of implementations and generally treat you like the moron I know that you are, or you wouldn't be an independent VAR!
  10. Look, friend, I know you're giving us this system at your cost and your time for gratis because we're a church even though you're not a member of our congregation, but couldn't you see it in your heart to further God's will and give us an additional "brotherly discount"?



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