Golden Rebirth . . . The Fiftieth Anniversary Of My Adoption

Golden Rebirth . . . The Fiftieth Anniversary Of My Adoption
by
H. Kent Craig
©2007

      Today, July 3rd 2007, is the 50th anniversary of my adoption at age seven months by Harold and Mildred Craig. I sit here, my laptop in my lap, contemplating all I've seen in the rearview mirror of my life since then, since I've never know a life, my life without the knowledge of my adoption and wonder with a thunderous aloud not what might have been but why it is now and what might be in the future because of it.

At age fifty and seven months, is the fact I'm adopted still relevant to me? Oh, yes, definitely it is though I do go now a day or two or even longer without conscious thought of it if and until some-one or some-thing brings it to the forefront of my cerebrum. When I met someone and begin the process of building a friendship with them, the fact I'm adopted is one of a handful of initial relevant facts I exchange with them.

      The fact that I was an "open" adoptee, my parents knowing my so-called "birth" mother's parents well (geez, I do so hate those term "birth" and "adoptive" when applied to families) in 1957, something virtually unheard of back then and still somewhat rare even in this more contemporary day and age, makes this part of my identity even more unusual even among my friends who were also adopted. The fact I grew up not only knowing but was encouraged to maintain contact with my two older siblings who were taken and grew up half a world away still didn't diminish the fact that I was raised and took on the identity of an only child while acknowledging but not really embracing my sibling-ship with them until we became much older.

      The fact that my birth mother actually came to "our" house a couple of times before she died prematurely in her twenties has always made wonder, wonder, wonder as all adoptees do not "what if" but the "why" of then and now? In the ancient argument of nature versus nurture, we adoptees almost instinctively know the answer is not just "both" but also "we must cope".

      As an adoptee, open, closed, doesn't matter, all adoptees feel a very real almost perpetual sense of the fear abandonment because, think about it, weren't we abandoned by those that should have kept us once before? I used to think this sense of fear of abandonment was relatively unique to adoptees and abused children and spouses, but in my older age I have to come to realize that, almost without exception, it's part and parcel of part of being human, of the human condition. Hasn't every single person on this planet more than a few times in their respective lives felt very, very alone not matter how loved by family and friends they are? Hasn't every single person ever born to this world felt at least a few times like God didn't love them, like if and when the chips are down there was no one to take them in and shelter them? Haven't you, my friend, felt a time or two like if you didn't please those that unconditionally love you, that those who truly care about you still might abandon you because you did something to displease them?

      As an adoptee, I have encountered a handful of instances over these five decades of very real overt prejudice and distaste of me as a person once the circumstances of my adoption were found out. Don't believe me? Well, I'm telling the truth as best I can as I always do but that's besides the point. Think about it; the norm in this society is for the vast, vast majority of folks not to be adopted so anything that makes anyone different from said majority, adoption being one among many things, gives others who fear instead of embrace differences one more reason to fester prejudice against those not like themselves.

      Adoption is as old as human history and as long as human beings remain human beings will always be a necessary function of human society. Even if this world becomes close to paradise on Earth with every human being having all their basic wants and needs taken care of which would eliminate the historic main cause for birth parents putting their children up for adoption, that of dire economic or similar social circumstances, there still will be instances despite the best efforts of society where the initial family structure breaks down through abuse, addiction, death or mental or physical incapacity of one or both parents, etc., and the need for adoption will always be with us.

      So, that begs the question: how best should we cope with the reality, not the fantasy and not the fear and not the denial of the need for adoption, but how best should we weigh the interests of all concerned in the adoption process and above all else how best to protect the interest of the child involved?

      Even as an open adoptee whose all four families knew each other pretty well, I didn't find out my full genetic and medical history until I was in my 40's and even then access many records were blocked by both law and custom and yes that infuriated me to no end as an adult - not child at that point - adoptee that those roadblocks were still there against me.

      As I mentioned in my "Adoption . . . The Last Slavery" article, adoptees are the only truly second-class citizens left in these United States and that needs to change and change now. If the basic rights of knowing your genetic history was denied to any other class of people because of their skin color, ethnic background, religious beliefs and similar there would be a hue and cry from the ACLU and other organizations but since there is such a high "squirm factor" by society concerning adoption, most adult adoptees are still denied knowing not just who their birth parents were and what their "real" names were on their first birth certificate but even, and I swear I'm not making this up, research the laws if you don't believe me, even if an adult adoptee has a life-threatening genetic-based medical condition that could shorten their lives or worse they are still denied access to knowledge of their genetic heritage and folks, that is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

      I was one of very lucky ones who, by the fact that my adoptive father was best friends with the brother of my birth mother and my adoptive paternal grandfather was good friends with my biological maternal grandfather, who has always know at least the better part of their genetic and "tribal" heritages, most adoptees by law can never find this information out about themselves.

      I was one of the lucky ones who were adopted early enough to be immersed in the history and culture and oral traditions of my adoptive and birth families and used the strength of that familial knowledge to better myself, to make myself (hopefully) a better person because of it.

      But with every July 3rd that passed as a child, when my parents would celebrate my "second birthday" complete with my favorite German chocolate birthday cake with the correct number of candles for that year (but no second-birthday presents alas, Smile!) I would be not-so-subtly reminded that I was indeed different because I was adopted and that my life would be shaped by this circumstance; shaped, yes, but not destined or controlled by it.

      I know at adoptive age fifty I need to get the eeffff over it and that's very easy for any non-adoptee to say but the thing is is that to get over it would be to jettison and deny who I am, denial of the totality and not partiality of who I am and I'm not willing to do that.

      Yes, I was re-born in a very real sense when I was adopted but the person who was there before the adoption at his core was and is the same person now and forever will be no matter what life circumstances come his way, shaped by the circumstances of his life but not pre-destined and/or controlled by them, for in the end, it's the choices we make over the moments in time we have illusory control over that make us what we become, not the choices others make for us as infants, children, teen-agers or adults.

      The choices others make for us influence us but do not "sentence" us to a destiny that is not what was ultimately meant to be for us, our own choices choosing the paths and the lessons we need to learn before we graduate from this life and move on to whatever you believe awaits you. Adoption is a temporary re-direction of your path, not a complete changing of the road you're going to travel anyway.

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